How a diagnosis changed the relationship I have with myself
By Aisling Mary McLoughlin
I’m a twenty-one-year-old female. I like to paint, swim, drink coffee, and talk to anyone who’s willing to listen. Some may call me extroverted, others annoying, subject to opinion and what my energy levels are like that day I suppose, as well as what volume levels I subconsciously choose to use. Although I find writing and journaling an outlet for my creativity as well as my anxiety, I don’t like reading unless the piece is short enough to withstand my forever shortening attention span. This is why poetry is so appealing to me. According to some, my writing is ‘incoherent at times’ which I wouldn’t argue with. I absolutely hate the mornings, always have, and always will. I was once told by someone they didn’t think it was possible for somebody to hate the mornings as much as I did until they met me. This isn’t likely to change unless a magic spell is cast upon me to alter my entire makeup as a human being because I am a chronic night owl whose best ideas happen when I’m lying in bed trying to find the off switch to my brain so I can go to sleep.
But I love early nights. Sleeping is one of my favourite hobbies which is why you will often find me taking naps before or after coffee number two or three of the day. Three espresso shots in each cup. Which is ironic because I only started consuming caffeine as of last summer when I was working full time. I don’t like nights out or heavy drinking all that much because I can’t hack hangovers. I prefer staying in and watching films while sharing a bottle of wine. I also enjoy cooking and feeding others but find doing it for myself a chore because cleaning up is my least favourite part, when I remember to do it that is. Why am I telling you this, you may ask? This is the me on the surface which you’d know by meeting me in person or having a conversation with me. Some of that you’d have to dig a bit deeper to find out because some of these are newer revelations.
Last summer on the 25th of July 2022, I was diagnosed at the ripe age of twenty with ADHD. For those who know me, this isn't a surprise at all. It clarifies a lot more than anything else and is a defining moment in my life as this continues to unlock more doors to discovering who I am. Women are commonly under-diagnosed because they don’t have the ‘typical presenting’ symptoms as the disruptive boy at the back of the classroom does. This is from most studies of this nature being undertaken in boys and this also applies to autism. Almost 80% of women are being misdiagnosed with another label creating inaccurate statistics and discouraging women from seeking help. There’s a large overlap between ADHD, autism, and dyslexia, meaning if you have one you are likely to have another as well. Think of it as a Venn diagram. The misdiagnosis rate across the medical field for women is a very common occurrence with lack of support and resources available. Especially due to the lack of studies being carried out on women’s health.
To some a diagnosis mightn’t change a thing in their lives and will continue on as is because they’re content the way they are. But to me this diagnosis really gave me a deeper insight into the way I function and what I need. Through this, I treat myself with more kindness than I did before because some things are just out of my control, and I can’t change them no matter how hard I try. I frequently get overstimulated resulting in me getting irritated and flustered. In the supermarket is a common one for me so staying on track proves interesting because if I don’t go in with a list, I will spend more time than needed and do at least five laps of the shop. This is also why I like going shopping with people. At parties as well from all the people and loud music that’s not within my control can also make me overstimulated so you can frequently see me outside the party catching a break and preparing myself to go back in. The party outside the party is what I like to call it. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy these things but knowing how to navigate them in a way that best suits me makes them far more fun for me and everyone else.
Knowing that my body processes things in a different way to some people through no fault of my own has been freeing and also finding out through this that I’m not alone always makes things easier and more manageable. I can also identify the signs in my body that can make me feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety from all these feelings filling up inside of me for reasons that don’t always make sense. Learning how to diffuse these feelings and accepting that it’s okay and natural to feel the way I do grounds the sense of myself that I have. Being able to get extra help from the university has also been great, like being able to access a quieter space to do work in the library, which eliminates distractions. I was once asked how long it takes me to write a thousand words and I said it varies, depending on the day and how willing I am to do the task on hand. Apparently some people can just sit down and work? To me this is astonishing, this never has been and never will be me. Many people can also do work without needing stimulation from somewhere else while trying to get work done but I just don’t work like that. This is why brown noise is great and noise cancellation earphones.
Everyone has a need to fit in. It’s been engrained into us, especially women as soon as we enter the world. Knowing what might work for everyone else doesn’t work for you is totally fine. There’s something else out there that will. That goes for friends, work strategies and going about your life day to day. If you find people that just work and accept you, who cares about what everyone else thinks of you or what they’re doing? They aren't the ones living with the circumstances presented to you. So just focus on finding what benefits your life and makes it easier and try to let go of what doesn’t. Give yourself a break for not being perfect because who is, neurodivergent or not. Just work to your strengths and the rest will follow.
