A piece on death and healing

By Aisling Mary McLoughlin

Photography by Elizabeth Hunt

I, like many others, don’t like to think or talk about death. If it comes up in conversation, I will be the first person to change the topic and divert it to something more light-hearted. Although it is inevitable, in my mind if I don’t want to think about it, then I just won’t. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case as sometimes you are forced to stare reality in the face and deal with whatever plan the universe decides to formulate. This happened a few weeks ago after the death of a good friend. It was entirely unexpected, which is what made it more shocking and harder to digest.

You will never forget where you were and what you were doing when you received the awful news that someone died. I’ve had encounters with death before, but never in this way. Never with someone my own age. Never with someone who I saw every day and shared almost all of my modules and was friends with for the last year. A life lost far too young and full of potential. That was the saddest thing of all, how many plans were in place for the future and so close to graduation they were, ready to begin the rest of their life but instead it came to an abrupt end.

Your world stops moving, you stop feeling, and you begin to question everything. Every encounter you ever had with that person becomes dissected, down to the millisecond trying to relive the time you had and spent with them. Trying to find signs to see if you could have predicted the death that was to come in the near future. You couldn’t have seen this coming nor would there have been anything you could have done. The bleak reality is that you’re rendered helpless in this situation which is awful coming to terms with. But accepting that is only the beginning of a long process of grieving. Once the initial shock wears off, the floodgates of emotions open, and everything rises to the surface, leaving you a shell of yourself. When you think you don’t have any more tears left there will always be more.

The first week didn’t feel real. Sleep was very broken, filled with wild dreams, I was unable to fully settle. I was emotionally exhausted but still trying to continue on as normal. I was able to do this at times but every time I attempted to put into words what had happened my eyes would fill with tears. This was because the full extent of what happened hadn't set in yet. I felt empty, as if all the air had been taken out of my lungs and a weight now on my chest. The phrase ‘heavy heart’ being literal. After a big life event like this, the chemistry of your brain will be altered, and the view I now possess on life has been changed.

Taking the time to properly grieve and allowing yourself to feel your emotions was and is so important because healing isn’t linear. I feel as if I'm stating the obvious but give yourself the time to heal and process what's just happened. You’re only going to put further strain on yourself and burnout if you try and sweep your emotions under the carpet. Your life may need to come to a halt temporarily because the non-linear process of healing will take its tole both physically and mentally. But once you're ready and all the pieces have been picked up it’ll continue on. It won't stop forever.

I was told you may never fully come to peace with what happened, but you will learn to live with it. Over time you will find your new normal and life will continue on. For weeks I still anticipated them showing up to lectures and was met with an eerie sadness that they weren’t going to. It’s going to take getting used to and the pace depends on the person. Go at whatever pace you need. Whether that be a few days or a few weeks, there's no outline as to how long it’ll take or how you’ll feel on your healing journey. And that’s okay, you can never predict what's going to happen so take each day as it comes. You could be okay one minute and then next thing you’re sobbing. It’s an emotional rollercoaster but it will all be okay in the end. There are so many people out there that love you, so don’t be afraid to ask for support.

If you need help please speak out. You are a valuable asset to the world and no one can replace what you have to offer. You were put here for a reason and there's so much for you to do and experience before your time comes to an end. To my friend who is no longer here, you are greatly missed, and no words will ever be able to describe how great of a loss you were to the world and to those around you. I hope your spirt continues on spreading the stories and laughs that were so contagious. Thank you for being who you were and choosing to be a part of my life as well as many others. May you finally be at peace.