By Kasandra Ferguson

In today’s society, with Pride Month and National Coming Out Day, ever more people have felt inspired to open up about their sexuality or gender identity. That said, not all have made the decision to venture out of the closet. It’s a big step, but a growing contention has arisen surrounding the idea that queer people should feel obligated to come out. It’s legal, after all, and there are communities out there to receive you - so why not make the jump into open society? Everybody has their own reasons. It’s good to let the people in your life know you’re willing and ready to support them no matter their identity, but there are some points to consider which may keep you from pressuring closeted individuals into making their personal life public. In essence: you don’t always understand a person’s situation. It seems obvious, but in a world where our personal lives are further and further exposed through digital media, a sense of entitlement has developed. We expect to know where people are coming from, what their background is, what their orientation is - otherwise, many of us will feel distrustful or consider their opinions on certain matters invalid. Numerous celebrities have been outed against their wishes due to this invasive impulse.

Carrie Davis, chief community officer for The Trevor Project, a non-profit organization focused on suicide prevention efforts among LGBT+ youth, told USA Today earlier this year: ‘Coming out is an incredibly personal decision, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. The key is to do it in your own time, whenever it feels right and safe for you.’ Key word being safe. The number of people showing out for the community grows every day, and it’s wonderful - more and more individuals are able to own their identity without fear. However, people from more privileged situations may not be cognisant of this still-present uncertainty. Not only is coming out emotionally draining in many ways, but many are still in dangerous circumstances; coming out can mean risking your job, housing, support from friends and family, and more.

Particularly with the holidays on the horizon, a notoriously mixed bag for the LGBT+ community, it’s more important than ever to handle this complex topic with care. Even those who may be out in certain social circles can end up going back into the closet when returning to their family home. For many, the holidays correspond with loneliness. And to those reading this who may be in the exact demographic I’m talking about, it’s most crucial to understand that you’re not doing anything wrong. Rosemary Donoghue did a wonderful piece with Allure in 2019 wherein she detailed her multifaceted experience of coming out. Not only was her story an essential read, regardless of identity, but a key point was made by Shainna Ali, a mental health counsellor and clinical supervisor based in Florida: ‘Sometimes there can be this experience where people get caught in a negative shame cycle of not coming out earlier, but what you were likely doing was assessing safety at that time.’

Not only should we be patient and supportive with others, but we should extend that same kindness and compassion to ourselves. It’s our identity - we should make changes when we feel comfortable doing so. Beyond this, a frequently unacknowledged point is: some people simply don’t feel the need to come out. They’re comfortable with their circumstances, or they’re not involved in the dating scene to a degree which would require them to be loud about their sexuality. Some people aren’t certain about what their identity even is - they’re still figuring it out, and want to take proper time to do so. Or, they’re just private. Details regarding people’s intimate life aren’t ours to hastily request. Celebrity, professor, friend, co-worker, relative - it doesn’t matter. If they feel the need to make said details known, they will. In many situations, I’ve found that I’ve developed relationships and carried on for quite some time without letting people know that I’m bisexual and go by ‘she/they’ pronouns. Why? Because it never came up. Many find it weird when I claim that I’m so busy between work and school that I almost forget that I’m queer. Janelle Monae, an actor, musician, and queer pop culture icon, did an interview with Pink News last year wherein she discussed the complexities of coming out and the growing phenomenon of people doing so out of social pressure as opposed to personal choice.

‘[Something] I identify with more than ever is the concept of coming in — and people coming into your life — and not coming out. I think there’s so much pressure put on people that can’t afford to announce to the world that, ‘I am queer’ or ‘I’m gay.’ … [I hope people can] talk about their sexuality and being queer, being gay, or being who they are, they can talk about it, not out of fear, but out of love and celebration for who they are.’ Some want their identity to show every day, in everything they do, and it’s beautiful. Others want to broadcast themselves in a manner unrelated to their identity, and that’s great, too. Many aren’t in a position to be open at all, regardless of what they’d prefer, and we need to be ready to support them.

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