Maintaining your own self- identity while in a relationship…
By Ellen McCahill
Photography by Ellen McCahill
Entering adulthood is daunting and oftentimes quite confusing and, as cliché as it sounds, it is true. Coming of age presents us with new questions about ourselves; what we like, who we are, and who we want to become. Figuring this out can be a long and difficult process. Self-identity is a huge part of life and growing up. It determines who you are, how others perceive you, your enjoyment of the world around you but also the surrounding people in your life. The people who you choose to surround yourself with influence who you are immensely, so it is important to choose wisely!
Remember! ‘You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.’
In a relationship your significant other will be one of these main people so, maintaining your own self-identity is a huge factor in maintaining a healthy relationship, but the question is, how?
Photography by Ellen McCahill
Independence:
You might be wondering how it is possible to remain independent in a relationship when all you want to do is spend time with your S/O? This is where the term ‘love blinds you’ comes in and I'm sure anyone who has been in a relationship understands this saying. While falling in love, it is easy to lose track of other priorities outside of your relationship. Your mind becomes occupied with thoughts of the other and you can grow to be very dependent on them. You rely on their company as much as your own but that isn't to say that one can't still remain a separate individual without them. It is very much possible to be an independent individual while spending lots of time with your loved one and maintaining independence in a relationship is vital because we don’t want to lose ourselves just because we have fallen in love.
Having your own interests:
Having similar interests in a relationship is always a green flag, especially when you both are only getting to know each other but we rarely talk about the difference of interests in a relationship.
As the relationship progresses, you grow closer, and you begin to learn about each other on a deeper scale - all the fun odd things you might have not known or noticed before. You also might find out some differences in opinions and interests. Spending so much of your time with one person and having an influence in their lives as well as them having power over yours, impacts your ways of thinking.
You might start mirroring their habits subconsciously, develop their lingo, maybe even start to copy some things that they do. However, it is important to keep your own qualities too and remember not to change for someone else even if it is not on purpose. Your own interests are still extremely important and valid, and they are a part of what makes you, well, you. It is the same with hobbies. Don’t forget about your hobbies just because your partner doesn't have the same ones. They are still relevant to you even if they are not to them.
Have your own friends outside of the relationship:
This is probably the most important tip of them all, if you are going to take on any tip from this, take this one. Please, PLEASE do not drop your friends just because you are in a relationship! Having your own friends outside of your relationship is so important - it keeps balance. I'm not saying to spend all your time with your friends either, let your friends know that you do have a commitment in the relationship. They will understand but don't leave them at the side-lines. Your friends don't want to feel like a second choice, and only hanging out with them when it is convenient for you is not going to make them feel wanted. Entering into a new relationship is new and fun and exciting and if your friends are true, they will be happy for you, but they love you too and balancing out your social time taking them into account as well as your S/O makes all the difference. Plus hanging out with friends is a great break, it can get tiring spending all your time with the one person!
Photography by Ellen McCahill
4. Spend time alone
Don't be afraid to sit with yourself for a bit. Sometimes being with someone so much can make you forget who you are on your own. Don't lose sight of yourself! Have some you time - whether that is just relaxing and watching some Netflix alone, self-care like taking a bath, going on a walk or even some self-reflection like journaling. It is so important to look after you first! Learning to appreciate yourself without anyone else is crucial. You are going to be the most constant person in your life so make sure you love yourself before loving anyone else!
5. Don't be afraid to set up boundaries if they are needed:
If you feel uncomfortable with some aspects of the relationship and feel yourself slipping away as a result of the other person, don't be afraid to set up some boundaries! It is very natural in relationships to feel overwhelmed by many different factors and if they care about you they won't mind taking on board some suggestions to make the relationship work. Honestly, it is better to voice them early on instead of avoiding them in the long term. It is a lot harder to comment on something that has become a constant. Plus, if your partner loves you, they will want to make you happy, not the other way around. Basically, don't lose yourself or your opinions at the expense of your partner just because you are afraid of a bit of tension! It is okay!
I guess the key to maintaining your own self-identity while in a relationship is self-love and growth. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you have to put yourself on hold. You both are able to grow as individuals together while also growing together as a couple. Self-growth is something that never ends and should be the most prominent part of your life. If you aren't able to do that with your partner, perhaps you haven't found the right person and that is okay!
Life is all about learning and every mishap is just a lesson :) All in all, enjoy your relationship (but remember to give yourself a bit of lovin' every now and again too.
