Should We Really Be Finding Ourselves After a Breakup?

By Kim Rolston

Photography by Elizabeth Hunt

I’ve been procrastinating writing this for about six months now. The last thing I want this article to be is some bullshit cliché about how my breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me and within three months I was a better person. Because that’s simply not true. I wish it was, but that’s just not always how it goes.

I broke up with my boyfriend a little over a year ago and it was anything but a clean break. I won’t go into the finer details, the reason for that used to be that it would just anger me too much, but now it’s just that I don’t care enough to. I stopped crying about my breakup after approximately one day. It was a completely toxic relationship and to be honest, I cried more in the last month of the relationship due to feeling shit and unloved in comparison to how much I cried after we broke up. I was angry at him and I had lost my identity. I had made so many sacrifices and lost sight of the majority of my values because I was making excuses for him. But despite how glad I was that our relationship was over, I still thought about him every day, and I still think about him now. It was nearly three years of my life and there was some form of love there, not exactly a healthy kind but some type was there. I would think about him, and I would miss the good times we shared, and I would feel mad about the awful things that happened. Now when I think about him, I don’t remember anything good or bad from the relationship but only the bad that happened afterwards. 

Anyway, that’s enough about him because I’m more important. I started to remember the things that were important to me in life and I did what is crucial after break ups, to keep yourself busy doing things. I did all the things I wanted to do with a boyfriend but I did them with other people or alone. I think it’s important to learn to be by yourself again. This is dark, but I think it’s better to do the things you really want to do without the person you’re in a relationship with, because if that relationship doesn’t end well, then that amazing experience is tainted with negative affiliations. That’s probably why I think it’s better for me personally to stay single at least in my early twenties. Apart from that I want to figure out what I actually like without having someone else’s influence. Don’t get me wrong, I love love, but, for me it’s not the most important thing to focus on in life unless it’s self-love because that should always take priority. So, since the end of my relationship, I tried new things, I did pretty much everything I wanted to do but I didn’t finalise who I am as a person, why would I? I’m 22. I don’t want to be 22 and know exactly who I am, I want to keep learning and growing, and I want to keep experiencing new things, while still maintaining my core values that are important to me and make me who I am. And by keeping that in mind, I can solidify which direction I want to go.