Friendship Breakups
By Leah Treacy
Artwork by Sharon Awanbor
Friendship breakups can be one of the most painful things to go through. As a coping mechanism, we can downplay the potency of the friendship by saying ‘oh we weren’t that close’ or ‘we were toxic’. However, in order to get over such a trauma, one must acknowledge their feelings of disappointment, that it didn’t work out, and reflect on the friendship by considering both its flaws and its beauty.
Most of the time the ending of a friendship is not due to a big explosive betrayal on the behalf of one of the participants. I think these types of conclusions are often easier to process and accept. What is harder to accept can often be the type of friendship breakups that are caused by former friends growing apart for a multitude of possible reasons such as a lifestyle change or a physical distance. In my experience, these situations are far more mentally draining to process.
For example, when you go to college, your personality changes and evolves as you grow into your true self. This can result in you drifting from your friends from secondary school as you may feel you no longer relate or be yourself around them as you once were.
“when you go to college, your personality changes and evolves as you grow into your true self. ”
One friend might come to the realization first that the friendship is just not working and let it come to its natural end. This can be more painful to the other person involved because they are left wondering why without any real closure and can take the rejection very personally. Inevitably, an awkwardness arises and in such a situation where nobody has technically done anything wrong, it is extremely hard to even try to articulate what has happened and to confide in others as nobody really understands a friendship exactly as the people directly involved.
This all comes down to the expectation that friendships should be easier to maintain than romantic relationships. In romantic relationships, the people involved label themselves as a couple. If a romantic relationship breaks down, although it is a horrific experience, there is comfort in the fact that there is somewhat of a template on how to process it. Also, such relationships aren’t always expected to last. The couple will generally decide if they will stay friends, be civil, or just avoid each other.
Friendships are so much harder to define and breakups are no different. Such a conversation will likely not happen in a friendship break-up which leads to awkward situations. There is a sort of grief process that comes with it and moments where you just miss your friend. Snapchat memories pop up with you and your friend at a festival three years ago smiling from ear to ear can serve as a painful reminder of what you have lost. However, the term ‘best friends forever’ is inaccurate. I am a firm believer that some people come into your life to serve a purpose, to teach you something, and are not necessarily in it ‘forever’.
“Recognising your emotions for what they are and allowing yourself to feel them will go a long way towards processing the break-up.”
The reality of friendship is that you don’t always grow alongside each other. Accordingly, this doesn’t invalidate the friendship in any way. Recognising your emotions for what they are and allowing yourself to feel them will go a long way towards processing the break-up. It is important to remember the good times you had with this person and not let any negative feelings or hurt taint these memories. There is no point in engaging in a post-mortem or indulging in thinking about things you would or wouldn’t have done differently because ultimately you cannot control what other people want or need.
“It is likely that you may have in an instance acted toxic or ignored signs that the relationship was deteriorating. You can use this observation to grow as a person and cultivate healthier relationships in the future.”
One thing in particular which brought me peace was recognising my role in a friendship breakdown. It helped me to avoid pinning all the blame on the other person. It is likely that you may have in an instance acted toxic or ignored signs that the relationship was deteriorating. You can use this observation to grow as a person and cultivate healthier relationships in the future. Finally, the most important thing is remembering that you still have other friends and a support system so lean on them to help you get you through this. Remember to trust the universe and if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be.
