Why our generation feel so disconnected in a world that supposedly keeps us more connected than ever

By Ellie Daly

Photography by Elizabeth Hunt

Have you ever felt out of place in your body, almost as if you accidentally pulled on the wrong sized skin suit while rushing out the door? Or as if your external appearance does not reflect who you really are on a deeper level and if you could, you’d change your avatar for the day?

Well believe me, you are not alone in feeling this way. Study after study helps to paint the picture of a generation suffering with body dysmorphia, imposter’s syndrome and general dissatisfaction with their appearance. It’s all connected with the overuse of social media and comparison culture.

This is not a scathing indictment of social media and aimed to make you feel awful about the overuse of your phone. The main goal of this piece is to show you possible reasons as to why you feel so poorly about yourself and some simple steps of how to ground yourself in a world so intent on existing solely in a virtual sense.

I wanted to write about this for a while, but it took a couple of months to formulate my thoughts into something somewhat readable, why I was feeling this way and how it was possibly connected with the rise of social media.

Recently, I was waiting for a bus that was already delayed by forty minutes and to avoid the wave of frustration I knew was headed my way, I started to chat to the elderly gentleman next to me. It turns out he had just been at the All Ireland final, a yearly trip he made from the south of Kerry all the way to Dublin (about a 5-hour journey). He had his full packed lunch with him, a huge puffy coat, and a smile so infectious I couldn’t help but feel my mood lift with him.

As the hour ticked by, he told me about his life, dropping out of school and then going back to finish his Leaving Certificate. He had worked as a paramedic all his life but decided to take up a course in psychology the day he turned sixty-five, his exact words being, ‘If not now, when?’.

I came away from this interaction so elated and I couldn’t wait to tell my friends about this completely random, positive conversation I had just been a part of.

It got me thinking though: are all of our interactions with people outside of our friends and family now considered ‘random’ because we’re not used to having unprompted and genuine experiences in the real world?

Everything we see online is carefully cultivated and constructed to appear natural but in reality, they are anything but. We are so delighted and surprised by the simplest of exchanges with strangers that we rush off to tell someone about the real-life thing we witnessed. After I made this connection I started to see proof of this everywhere - a lecturer accidentally showing her desktop lock screen of her pet cat, the bus driver singing to himself on the route home, a stranger complimenting your outfit; all of these little moments give us a pinch to remind us that we are living in the present and that we do exist outside our online personalities and thus cause moments of exhilaration and pure happiness.

One of the biggest setbacks I believe social media has caused our generation is the phenomenon of online dating. You match with someone online and you may chat with them for months finding out the smallest of details about them from their first words to their worst trauma they’ve experienced. But all this connection, more often than not, translates into nothing of substance outside the virtual world. How many times have you had conversations with someone online but blank them in person because it’s ‘too awkward’? To be fair, you are technically strangers in real life. You know their virtual self but not who they are in a physical sense.

According to an online publication from the National Library of Medicine, a phenomenon called ‘Snapchat dysmorphia’ has presented, in which patients seek surgical consult in order to appear as their filtered selves in real life. It’s no wonder we have social anxiety or are afraid to meet our dates in person when we can’t live up to the identity we have so carefully presented online.

But real life is where the magic happens, and our true selves are revealed; the moment you miss the bus, when you rip your tights, and your skirt is tucked up under your backpack exposing your granny knickers, or you spend a whole day attending classes with ketchup on your face from last night’s takeaway. Embrace the embarrassment where possible, it’s what leads to connection.

I have spent quite a while pondering this topic and through trial and error, I have discovered a number of things that have helped to ground me in the present moment. How can we pull ourselves out of the virtual reality that we can never truly be members of as long as we still exist in this physical realm?

Firstly, I would start with the simplest of things – connecting with nature. There is a lot of stigma surrounding the concept of using the landscape to help us but when you think about it, we are just an aspect of mother nature and are quite literally surrounded by it. It is actually strange that we actively chose not to interact with it and separate ourselves from it with a wall of concrete and plastic.

Tree-hugging might seem too far out there for the majority but even simply try placing your hand on the bark of the tree and imagine you are ‘plugging yourself into the ground’. Like a phone or a laptop has to charge, this action helps us to reconnect to the physical world around us and can even give you energy.

I remember when I was first recommended this tactic I dismissed it, but recently upon a bout of anxiety I went for a walk barefoot through the local green and sat below a tree for a little over fifteen minutes. My first instinct was to pull out my phone and to distract myself. Yet I resisted. After a couple of minutes, the urge subsided, and I found myself truly relaxing in the fresh air. The best thing about this method is that it is possible almost anywhere. Even the most built-up city will have a line of trees at the very least, and it only takes a couple of minutes of embarrassment for such a rewarding result.

Another thing worth noting is that shame or judgement does not belong in this process of trying to be more present. Initially, I found myself experiencing an icky superiority complex when I put my phone away and reprimanded others internally for not connecting with me. Nobody gains from this. Neither party enjoys being judged or being the one who is casting said judgement.

When I became self-aware of this unhelpful behaviour, I left judgement at the door. Instead I just did my part and actively engaged myself in the conversation, even if they were checking their phone constantly or scrolling through Instagram as they replied. There is no point in getting frustrated with their behaviour, even when it’s something that I have only started to work on myself.

Mindfulness is probably not a word that you want to hear, as it was peddled constantly by the media in the last couple of years. However, I am bringing it back to the front of your consciousness because it’s the most essential part of connecting to your reality. When you are used to numbing yourself with TV shows or social media, existing in the current moment can seem so much of a drag and your brain is urging you to find some level of stimulation or distraction. But take a step back and consider; what is so terrible about living in the present moment that we have to constantly run from it? Isn’t the whole purpose of life these little moments that we take for granted? After all, life is made up of a string of these everyday experiences.

This essay might have struck a chord and urged you to throw your phone in the Corrib River in a moment of pure adrenaline (don’t do that) or it could be one of those times you felt inspired for a few days and then went straight back to your usual habits – we’ve all been there. It’s okay though. As they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day and any of your time you actually manage to reclaim and live presently in, makes it all worth it.

If you are to take anything away from this, I would hope it would be to have compassion for yourself and others as you work on enjoying real life again. Keep it simple, engage your five senses and remind yourself that you’re here for the experience of being human.