Imposter syndrome

By Sarah O’Connell

Photography by Elizabeth Hunt

 Streams of consciousness 

“They’re going to find out I don’t deserve to be here”

“I’m going to be exposed as a fraud”

“I got something wrong so now they know I’m stupid”

“I’m just here out of luck”

“Other people deserve this way more than me”

“I’m not on the same level as others in my position”

“I don’t fit in here”

“I’m not good enough to be here”

These are just some of the common inner thoughts that persist in the head of someone suffering with imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is the psychological concept in which a person doubts their ability, skills, and accomplishments and has an internalised fear of being exposed as a fraud. It is an extremely draining mindset, one found commonly among students in academia. It makes you feel like success is impossible, and any success you do achieve is due to luck or chance. 

Why does this phenomenon exist, particularly among people who have demonstrated their competence yet are on edge, ready to be exposed at any given moment. Some might argue it is a form of defensive pessimism, if you expect the worst you will be pleasantly surprised at any result. Others argue it does not exist, and those who experience this perceived fraudulence are looking for attention and validation while being fully aware of their strengths. In my own experience, I believe it is a valid feeling and in fact, quite a damaging one. I can think of many times I almost missed an opportunity due to doubt of not being ‘good enough’. Not only the fear of being incompetent, but the persistent fear that you will be exposed as not worthy of your position, even if you earned your place.

This self-doubt has grown in me immensely in the last four weeks as I’ve begun my Law masters. Despite getting the grades to be here, despite the achievements I earned throughout my undergraduate degree, I still feel this is due to luck. Sitting amongst students who attended prestigious universities, who have already done a masters, people who are already qualified lawyers, I feel entirely and utterly incompetent and stupid. If I get any small thing wrong, I believe I’ve been exposed as the undeserving one, the one who isn’t good or smart enough to be here. This mindset is not only toxic, but also extremely illogical. I would never perceive people in this way if they got something minuscule wrong so why would others do that to me?

This feeling of being the imposter nearly made me miss out on a worthwhile opportunity. On a whim, I replied to an email regarding the role of tutoring first year law students. I thought this would be a great opportunity to add something different to my CV. However, I let this fear of being an imposter get to me and decided not to take the role. I convinced myself I would not be intelligent enough for this position and even if I did it, I would again be exposed as the imposter I feel I am. This strange fear of being exposed as not intelligent, not knowledgeable, not competent made me justify to myself that this opportunity was not worth it. 

Luckily, I got an email asking if I was still interested, and I felt this was a sign that I was letting a small but worthwhile opportunity pass me by. However, I understand opportunities don’t usually present with a second chance. 

Not only does imposter syndrome manifest in terms of achievements and success but also in the negative aspects of one’s life. For many years I avoided seeking mental health services due to the belief of not being ‘sick enough’. Even now, with a healthier attitude to mental health, I still find myself feeling like I am faking it or that my issues are not serious enough to seek help. I find myself doing something positive like therapy yet convincing myself my issues must be trivial and that I am wasting my counsellor’s time.  This feeling of being the undeserving imposter trickles down into each session as I doubt if I should even be speaking.

I am aware of the damage imposter syndrome is doing to me, but I don’t understand how to stop it. It is unreasonable to think that a human will never make an error and will have all the given information at any one time. It is also unreasonable to view one person’s mental struggles as less deserving of treatment than others. This I understand yet still hold myself to this impossible standard. I still doubt that I deserve to seek help. I regard myself as a logical person yet when it comes to believing in my ability logic seems to disappear and fear of failure takes control. 

I believe the key to removing these shackles of imposter syndrome would be to accept that failure is okay and learn to be proud of my achievements. I believe striking this balance between confidence in ability and accepting that perfection is impossible is the way forward in ending this feeling of being an imposter. As well as this, remember there is no such thing as ‘sick enough’, that we all deserve to seek help when we need it. If one person cannot be sad when someone else has it ‘worse’, can one person not be happy because someone else has it ‘better’?

 There is no such thing as being the imposter, your mere existence implies that you are enough.