Effects of my speech impediment on my identity

By Anon

“My stammer is part of who I am, it's part of my identity as a person.  Learning to embrace that has been genuinely life changing”

It's fair to say that having a speech stammer has had a big effect on me throughout my life. It’s something that has been a struggle to deal with, as I learned to cope with it and work on it, eventually with professional help. Now, I can honestly say that I have good and bad days with it. Like a lot of things, it's hugely affected by mood, anxiety, stress and pressure situations. I’ve learned to accept the bad days as much as the good, which is really important. But it's only on reflection in recent times that I have realised how much it has affected me, in terms of identity. I was lucky as a kid in primary school, that my friends and the other kids all accepted me as I was. The kids you grow up with in a small community don’t know any better and I was always accepted in that environment. Secondary school was unfortunately a different kettle of fish. For the first time, I became hugely self-conscious when those moments came when I couldn’t get my words out. I experienced bullying over it for the first time. Of course, the anxiety and fear of ridicule made it infinitely worse. My speech was definitely at its worst during adolescence, both in school and at home. 

Probably the worst thing of all during that time was my Dad’s reaction. He couldn’t cope with his son having this problem. His intolerance and visible annoyance whenever I would struggle with my speech was something very nasty to experience. Needless to say, this exacerbated the anxiety I had with my speech and made it even worse.  I became a very withdrawn teenager. Expressing myself verbally was something to be avoided. In groups, I listened rather than contributed. I fell in with a group of goths, who became my mates for the duration of secondary school. The group was like a safety zone with other teens who each had their own issues. We felt like the outcasts, the not-conventionally-popular or sporty or perpetually smiley people. 

We hung out at the back of the school, which kind of symbolized our desire not to mingle with the majority. We smoked joints, we had different haircuts and piercings. We prided ourselves on being different from the pack. In hindsight, we all had chips on our shoulder with not fitting in. This was a huge part of my teenage identity. And it all came from having a bad speech stammer. My mates didn’t care about my stammer or look uncomfortable whenever I struggled to get my words out. Of course, this had the effect of making it better when I was with them. With them, the anxiety lifted, I wasn’t so self-conscious, and like clockwork, the stammer would recede hugely.  Music was a massive thing. Rock and heavy metal were huge. Metallica, AC/DC, Gun’s N Roses. Listening to it was so liberating. The verbal expression, for someone who struggled to get through a couple of sentences without stammering, was just amazing to listen to. It felt so freeing to sing along. To just belt it out, without worrying what you might sound like. Just like Axl Rose or Robert Plant. To open your mouth and scream and not give a shit.  Of course, part of me being a heavy metal/rock loving goth was very much a ‘F**k you’ to my Dad. He wasn’t keen on my teenage identity, which of course, consolidated it for me. When I was seventeen, my parents separated, which honestly came as a huge relief. I got progressively less anxious about my speech without my Dad at home, as my Mam and siblings were always very understanding about it.  By the time I finished in school, I was definitely less aggressive in how I expressed my identity and in college that continued to be the case.

Starting college and meeting new people is always a huge experience and I was really looking forward to starting.  Early in college, while getting to meet and know new people, I definitely became self-conscious again. You’re always a bit guarded, until you feel like the reaction is going to be ok. It all started to feel very negative again, like something that was holding me back, always making me feel very wary in social situations.  So, while in my first year in college, with the support of my family, I decided to do two things. I went to speech therapy for the first time, and I also went to ‘real’ therapy. The speech therapy was brilliant, but I would have to say the psychological therapy was an even bigger success. In therapy, the biggest thing I learned was to accept my speech impediment as being part of me. Not to be resentful towards it. This was definitely a huge change in my identity. My therapist told me that the people who would really accept me, speech stammer and all, would be my lasting friends. This has turned out to be the case.  I can definitely say that among my friends I am more expressive now than I have ever been throughout my life. My friends know I have good days and bad days with it. They don’t get uncomfortable or awkward when I am struggling with my words. I feel like I am accepted, but the first step was definitely to accept myself. My stammer is part of who I am, it's part of my identity as a person.  Learning to embrace that has been genuinely life changing.