Why The ‘Cool Girl’ Facade is a Trap

By Ruth Keyes

Photography by Elizabeth Hunt

When I was eighteen and a half, Gillian Flynn changed my life. I’m not kidding. That ‘Cool Girl’ monologue from Gone Girl? Lasting. Impact.

For those of you unfamiliar with this particular masterpiece, the monologue comes from protagonist Amy Dunne; she explains how her husband fell in love with an image she was projecting - The Cool Girl. A laid back, naturally stunning reflection of his own interests. You know, the kind of girl who won’t nag him about doing the dishes, or going out with his mates. She likes what he likes. She can clear an entire pizza after a night on the beer, while maintaining the so-called perfect body. Basically, the Cool Girl is one of the lads, who's coincidentally the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. It’s also worth noting that Amy Dunne is a narcissistic psychopath who frames her husband for her murder, but so what? He made her move to Missouri.

For eighteen year old me, this passage was solid gold. It had found me in the perfect storm of a particularly miserable winter. An unanticipated gap year, lockdown 2.0 and general teenage angst led me to consume this monologue like it was the teachings of a higher power. Unfortunately, I used it for all the wrong reasons. This was a step-by-step manual on how to be likeable - I decided to become the Cool Girl. It wasn't difficult, I already enjoyed beer and had spent enough time around my brothers and their friends to know how males operated. All I had to do was eliminate my silly little womanly emotions, and let boys be boys.

I cannot stress enough that being the Cool Girl gets you nowhere. It doesn’t make you desirable, it makes you palatable. The Boys™ like having you around because you’re a woman who doesn’t have a problem with how they talk about other women. I’ll admit, being the Cool Girl does grant you a particular level of respect from your male counterparts, but the novelty wears off as soon as the self awareness creeps in. Sure, you’ll hear a lot of the infamous “you’re not like other girls….”, but all that means is that you don’t argue with his lengthy accounts of his Crazy Ex Girlfriend (spoiler alert! She wasn’t crazy, she cried because he forgot her birthday).

I’m coming to you now as a retired Cool Girl to let you know that it’s all a load of nonsense. Guaranteed, there’s a harmlessness in preferring pints to cocktails, and not being enthralled by the world of fashion and makeup. Some of my most valued friendships are with boys, Fight Club is one of my favourite movies. These things don’t make you a better or worse person; it’s the emotional labour that sets the Cool Girl back. It's biting your tongue, worrying that basic communication will come off as needy. It’s ignoring ‘locker room talk’ so that you don’t come across uptight. It’s pretending you don’t care that he refuses to put a label on your relationship. It’s playing it so cool that you become cold.

I think it goes without saying that we shouldn’t water ourselves down - least of all for romantic partners -  but the Cool Girl trope is one which so many of us subconsciously buy into. There’s nothing uncool about wanting to take up space. There’s nothing uncool about calling out toxic masculinity when you see it. There’s nothing uncool about asking for what you want, in both friendships and relationships. And ultimately, there’s nothing uncool about being exactly like other girls.