What is The ‘Madonna-Whore Complex’ and How Do We Defeat It?

By Shelley Murphy

I am definitely aware that Freud is not for everyone - but he did give us the Madonna-Whore Complex. If you are the type of person who is reading this article, you probably already know what it is: “Where such men love, they have no desire and where they desire, they cannot love.”

Simply put, this dichotomy says that people (majority cisgendered straight men) with this complex see women as either a saint or a whore - but never both. Let me get one thing straight. This is not to bash men - this is to bash the complex that is age-old and should never define women, or indeed anyone, regardless of their gender. Nonetheless, it needs to be discussed.

So what does this mean for the women of today? Do a large portion of men only like us if we are one or the other? Personally, I have seen the Madonna-Whore Complex crop up nearly everywhere in my dating life, and the same with my female friends. It is especially sad when we are confronted with this issue and don't even realize it until a later stage. Modern examples of the Madonna-Whore Complex can be taken from a lot of present day relationship issues. In discussion with my female friends, most of us can identify with this issue: ‘My boyfriend consumes porn that is derogatory to women, actively looks at other women online – but tells me that I am different.’ In pretty much every relationship I have had, it is always the sexual preference of the man to consume porn and treat me as the Madonna and when I outline my discomfort to this, I am boxed in as the opposite to the hypothetical (but definitely not factual) whore. It is an issue that has characterized nearly all of my relationships during my late teens and twenties - and I am so glad I now have the knowledge to identify it and stop it in its tracks as I continue dating in the future.

We as women cannot be defined, we are complex humans and we are not a play place for someone’s desires.

Illustration by Toraigh Holland

The Madonna Whore Complex is probably most prevalent in pregnancy after giving birth. Many women can identify with ‘feeling unsexy’ once they have a child as their body has changed so drastically. That is probably because their partner, who once sexually desired them now sees them as the mother - and indeed the Madonna. They may neglect her needs and indeed, demonstrate their completely skewed perception of women. This has, unfortunately, given rise to the idea of a vulva being ‘attractive or unattractive.’ Isn’t it sad that reconstructive vaginal surgery has even become a thing? The vulva was (and still is) viewed by some as a sort of playground for people before birth, and then a ‘sacred land of respect’ post-birth.

So how do we respond to this? I have had conversations with friends, and naturally everyone’s main concern is remaining attractive to the man. But to this I say, how about we look at it differently ? Why do we have to be attractive to men? Maybe we are a whore and a Madonna - maybe we are neither. We as women cannot be defined. We are complex humans and we are not a play place for someone’s desires. My response is to be yourself - dress, act, flirt, date, and engage with romance as you do or don’t want. Something that always keeps me on track when I beat myself up about not being attractive to people who operate with the Madonna whore complex is this quote from Sex and the City: ‘Maybe we (women) can be each other’s soul mates. And then we can let men just be these great, nice guys to have fun with.’ We don’t defeat the Madonna-Whore Complex and the ‘existence for men’ notion by adapting to it to make it work for us.

We defeat it by being ourselves, and choosing who we will let appreciate us for who we truly are.